The Milestones

Still in this "thought driven rut," I came across this certain little detail that seems to drive my life forward. Even when I do not want to go forward or not, these milestones keep barreling through time with no end to them at all...

Just to jump right into it, my life has clearly been made up of certain and distinct milestones that I have both feared and revered. I am sure many people could relate to this because I feel that we all have certain goals that we have set through our lives. Yet for me, I can clearly remember a lot of the details of these milestones.

In kindergarten I remember not wanting to go up to 1st grade because I would miss nap time too much. I so looked forward to the day that I went up to 5th grade from 4th. I thought those kids were so old and so cool (man I was naive). Going up to the middle school, thinking I will finally become someone older and more respected (man I was still dumb). Then moving on up to the high school were the glory days would begin. Fighting to get my license, fighting to get out of the house, fighting to get a job. Moving away to college and really trying to make a name for myself at that point. Now trying to gain respect through my big boy job.

Each time there is a certain hump that I always to have to face, good and evil. No longer can I let my imagination run wild and kapwinngg away in my fantasy. I no longer will have my scheduled nap times and play time on the swings. I need to progress forward to my next hump in the travels of life.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Brains

My brain:

Severely complex, non-stop, overly critical, friend and enemy. 

There are certain things in my life that really bring me to convene inside of myself. One certain thing happened tonight. I will not go into detail on exactly it is, because I do not want to give out the pathetic sob story it ultimately is. But no matter what, I am in constant war with my own self. 

More and more, I am noticing nervous habits that seem to get worse as time passes by. I catch my body trying to fight its way through the gunk of thoughts my brain is trying to process. I catch myself literally talking and arguing with myself to sort for an answer. I honestly wish I could let my brain run free so that I would not have to be tortured by this continuous thought. 

Am I insane? Indubitably. Well I would honestly believe so. I would like to think that I am a very smart person, but there are times that I honestly wish I was not so enlightened, if you will. For in ignorance there surely is bliss. I honestly believe in this statement. It is an "out of sight, out of mind" principle for me. If I ultimately do not know about something, my brain is free from trying to analyze it. 

I am a very detailed person. I have been told I am an "observer." I sit back and try to figure out each detail to life, and how those details interact and how they affect one another. I systematically break everything down and find each detail. It is tedious and plaguing. 

I am ready to be out of my own mind for awhile. I hate what all this thought does to me. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

New Things

I know....

I do not want to say it has been awhile since I last blogged, by hey, just did it, so oh well (dang that is a lot of commas). But anyways, it has been nearly six months since I have last put down my thoughts.

When I last left off, I was fighting to survive in Tennessee. With the exception of a handful of people, I found myself severely "disjunct" from many social aspects. I went to work at a less than stellar job then went home, immediately went into my room where I spent the rest of the evening, then repeated that same process the next day. It was quite sad. Just about on the verge of depression. There were a few people in my life that kept me from going into that downward spiral and I cannot thank them enough for their unknowing assistance. It seemed my life had stopped; nothing was progressing forward.

Well since from that point I have moved down to Charleston. I literally packed up all of my belongings, and stuffed a 16 foot moving truck, to the brim mind you, all in one night. Seriously, all in one night. Some coworkers took me out for a few last rounds of festivities, I went home at 3:00am, started packing then left Knoxville at noon that same day. Even though I had been planning this move for a few months, the actually packing and moving process was basically instantaneous.

Anyways, I moved to Charleston in July and I can safely say it has been the best decision of my life. Even though I spent about six weeks being homeless and living out of my car or someone's couch, I immediately knew this city was great. I do have a condo here that is about 10 minutes from downtown, just in case you are wondering. Here in this city I get to follow my extreme passion of music and teaching. Every day of my life is filled with music and I am honestly, purely happy. I have positions that range from Orchestra Director, Visual instructor, Conducting Instructor, private lessons teacher, studio musician, and professional orchestral player. In this short time I have been able to make a name for myself here and become a respected individual in the musical field. I thank God all of the time for these fantastic opportunities. I understand that he had to break me down to the absolute basic foundation so that he could build me back up.

All in all, I am shocked at the great things in my life. I no longer have to worry about finances. I make just enough money to live comfortably, not extravagant, but just enough that I do not have to worry anymore. I have made some great friends and connections here, and I love all of the musicians I get to be in contact with. I just love my life, and nothing can bring me down.

But I can say that I really miss all of my friends that I made in Knoxville. I miss all of the Carter people the most. I miss my best friend and I hope I get to see him soon. I hope I never have to let those friendships go again...never again.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Lex Parsimoniae

I have done a post about the theme of "simplicity" before, thanks to the extremely wise Taylor Franklin. Even though still in college, he has been a beacon of knowledge and wisdom for a lot of people, including myself. Anyways, today's post is along the same realm of the aforementioned blog.

The latin phrase Lex Parsimoniae loosely translates to "the simplest answer is always the better than the more complex." This theory is also commonly known as Occam's Razor. As a firm believer of the benefit of the simple things in life I am gathering huge support for falling back onto the simple answers in life.

As my life right is becoming filled with more and more complexities of life, I am trying to coerce myself into choosing the simplest answers to direct myself. Sometimes the simplest decision is never the easiest or the most desirable but I am finding it is usually the best. Right now I fight to keep relationships, work my butt off to pay debts, bills, and loans, struggle with my self-image, and constantly doubt my inner psyche. I am one big pile of self-doubting, always emotional, OCD type of person. It is absolutely nerve racking. 

So as I try to fight for answers and direction, I will be leaning towards those simple answers. I need to stop breaking everything down into the those little details. I need to stop trying to piece back together the complex situation into the most desirable outcome. I need to let life happen, in its own way.

It is time to truly let my mind and body live simply...but with complex tastes of course.

Fight for a better tomorrow

That Weird Clarifying Moment

You know that point in time where you just have a huge clarifying moment? When everything just seems to be answered or revealed for you? Well I sit here now completely clarified, so to speak.

I feel like there are a lot of details that should not be put on here (kind of defeats the purpose of a blog) but I will try to inform you as much as you can. When I feel that I need a refresher in the "faith" department I always turn to the concert of my freshman year in the A Cappella Choir at Carson-Newman College. Such a memorable concert for me because it was the concert where I knew I was accepted by the singers around me. We were family; it was absolutely sublime.

Well last night I sent out a plea while I listened to the closing number to that concert. It being my all time favorite choir anthem I had easily become pretty emotional. And just a few moments ago the plea that I cried out was answered.

I asked for strength and the direction that I needed to be headed in...I know that I must continue to progress forward. I cannot have anything hold me back here. I have been too focused on trying to please others. It is time to please myself (try not to take that in a vulgar direction).

Fight for a better tomorrow

Lost but Found

It is a strange thing to be seriously trapped in one's thoughts. Well not necessarily strange but definitely not comforting. For the very few that know how I operate, I break things down to the very last possible detail and then come up with a solution or scenario that best fits each detail. It can actually become a very maddening experience for me.

I try to play out each scenario in my head and figure out which is the best course of action to take. I literally will try to analyze every action that everyone around me takes and try to figure out the best way to respond. My brain definitely gets tired after awhile. But lately there has been one subject matter that I have been focusing a lot of lately: Friendship...

With every action that leads up to me moving away from Tennessee this coming summer (yes, it is true, that is for another blog), I keep on facing situations that really show who are true friends. I engaged in a conversation with a best friend about how some things always seem to be at face value. How I sit back, in a situation, and say to myself "I do not want to deal with this situation right now." And that situation being caught up with people that really do not know me.

I do not know whether it is my fault for not taking initiative or whether it is their fault because they are not taking initiative, but I find that when I look and analyze, nothing goes deeper than the surface. Almost every conversation seems at the "acquaintance" level. I would love to have something deeper, something more profound. Right now, I have that with one person. And ultimately that might just be enough, but for one person to have that responsibility to handle that much profoundness can really take a toll on someone's psyche. 

Either way, the main point is that I really want to make those deep connections but something always gets in the way. I thank the person that I can share my thoughts with. Just being about to talk with that person gives me a great solace from day to day. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Driving Force of Hope

There are several different forces in our world that seem to keep us moving. Whether it be the thought of dying or a goal that has been set, we all seem to have at least a few factors factors in our life that keep us pushing forward (well, I hope we all do anyways). I can safely say that there have been several things I have used in my own life to better myself, or things I have used as motivation to just roll out of bed in the morning. Yet, there is one thing that always returns to my life, and that is hope.

I know this "hope" business seems very cliche and mushy but as of late, it is the force behind all of my thoughts and prayers. I keep on finding myself saying things that start out with "I hope." Things like "I hope they can realize their importance", "I hope they are happy," or the most frequent "I hope you have an incredible day" (as a server at Olive Garden I make it a point to say it every one of my tables). 

One of the statements that I tell myself and others the most is: never lose hope. Hope brought me back my best friend. Hope gave me job opportunities. Hope gave me a reason to live. I can recall so many times in my life where I have said "I hope that...," and at some point down the road that hope was always fulfilled. And I am not trying to relate hope with wishful thinking. I believe hope is so much more than that. It is a lot more tangible than a wish. In my mind, a wish is a fleeting almost unattainable desire. Like saying "I wish I could own a Bugatti sometime in my life." Could it happen? Of course, but is it ultimately realistic? More than likely not. 

Hope is something that gives me a reason to work and drive harder in my life. When I say "I hope," it gives me something to really look forward to. I would actually like to hear from all of you that keep up with this blog. What is your driving force that keeps your life going?

So I finish with this last prayer, I really hope that I get to see you soon. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

Motivational Factors and My Thoughts

Once again, I had to take another break from putting down my thoughts into the "interweb." Things have been ridiculous for me. Even though I rarely show my emotions or inner struggles to the people around me, it is like a war-zone on the inside. But hey, someone needs to seem strong in these troubled times right? So basically I want to share some of the good and bad of my life as of now, just so that I can hopefully get it out of the forefront of my mind and begin to worry about a few other things.

Good thing #1: Just returned from a trip from Charleston. Love the place, love the people. Got to work with the South Carolina Youth Wind Symphony, and let me just say, I am so freaking excited to be living there this coming fall. Having the opportunity to create music with such talented kids and performers is really blowing my mind.

Bad thing #1: I need a new motor and motor mounts in my car. My poor baby is not doing so well right now and the thought of having to put a new motor/get a new car really scares me. Just for the fact that I am moving in July, and I have no idea if my car can hold out that long. If I have to save up for the move and buy a new car, I'm practically screwed financially.

Good thing #2 (and the best one): Remember that person that I lost that I wrote about in a blog past? They are back! I honestly could not be any happier!!

Bad thing #2: I am in constant battle with my own psyche. People see this calm and collected person who does not seem to get phased by anything, but lately I am finding myself doubting every decision that I make; and I am not specifically referring to decisions that ultimately lead to mistakes. I find myself wondering between "either/or" "what-if" type of situations. I doubt, then fight with myself saying that I should never doubt, then I doubt even more, then I struggle with myself even more. It is a maddening paradox for myself! I can only hope that one decision I make goes so right that all of this self-doubt just melts away.

Anyways, I will say one last good thing for myself that coincides with good thing number two. I took a thirty minute shower today, and before you get your mind in the gutter I am just going stop you (trying to make a joke)! In that thirty minutes I let the running water symbolically wash away my troubles as of late and spent the time conversing with my Higher Power. As an honest testimonial, I can safely say that someone was definitely listening. Everything I asked for was answered and I have not had a bigger smile on my face in such a long time. Seeing those texts from the people I care about most tonight really put me on cloud nine.

And lastly, I need to give a shout-out to a new but amazing friend. Check out his upcoming blogging adventures!! The Lowery Chronicles

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Killing Effect/Affect of Silence

Been quite some time again...I know, I seem to do this a lot. For this past reason, I HAD to take a break. For reasons that shall be left out of here, I just needed to keep my thoughts to myself.

But this is the reason why I come back again to put my thoughts onto the world wide web. The silence that I continue to endure are having a profound on my psyche. I decided to title this post with the "Effect/Affect" because this murder seems to be taking two routes. Whether I want to go into extreme detail on both of those routes, I have not quite decided yet.

No matter what I continue to beat myself down for all of my mistakes. I am truly mentally breaking myself down to a lesser man because I am secluded to my thoughts on a daily basis. I work then come back home to my room and think. I think WAY too much. I wonder and dream WAY too much. For some odd reason, I continue to live in the past. I always tell people that everything is fated, and to never live in the past; to look forward to the future, and make the best of it. Why the hell can I not take my own freaking advice?

Being alone and lonely (they actually are too different aspects) are truly destructive. One of my life's mantras is to risk it all for the sake of others. I have truly risked it all, but I cannot pull myself out. I continue to be standoffish to certain things. I continue to doubt my decisions. I continue to live in my head, instead of living out in the world.

But no matter I have been fighting for that better tomorrow. I wish and pray every day for my own protection and happiness and their protection and happiness. I go through every day hoping one day we all do not have any worries.


Anyways, here is a little head scratcher for you: We, as humans, think every single day. We can hear ourselves in our heads and often talk with those voices in our heads (some people have more than others). But the brain itself has no physical capacity to make or hear sounds. So what exactly are we hearing when we think? Where are those "clearly audible" thoughts that we "hear" in our head coming from?

Just a little food for thought (oh dang...there is another conundrum)


Fight for a better tomorrow