A Look at "Time"

I had to take a little break from blogging. I will just say that I had to go back and look at myself again. I had to reevaluate some moments and try to repair them. We all make mistakes right? No matter what, those mistakes ring harder and louder than those moments that made a positive impact. It coincides with that notion that people will remember bad experiences more than good experiences. This notion itself is a whole blog post by itself, but that is for later...

But for "time", why is it so important?

Time is very limited. We never seem to have enough of it. There are moments in time that we, especially myself, wish would just stand still so we could relish in it forever. But I even believe that forever is also limited. There is never a true meaning of "forever." Everything is always changing, We constantly seek out those forever-moments in time with no success. 

No matter what time is a fleeting dream. It is here one minute and gone the next (sorry for the horrible pun). There will still be moments in my passage of time that will continually resonate within me. They are memories that I am unable and unwilling to give up. I still wish I could return to those moments where everything seemed right, but I know it will never be like that again. Whether it will be better or worse down the road, only time will tell. 

All I can do is just Fight for a better tomorrow...

What it Means to Me

I kind of hinted in my last post on what music truly means to me. Well this entire day (actually everyday if I am honest with myself) I have been flooded with memories of the past. I know that we should not dwell too much in the past and push ourselves to live in the future, but there are moments that I can and will never forget.

Sharing the joy of music is one of my life's goals. Being able to portray what I am feeling to everyone around me is a never ending quest for me. It is my emotions, my memories, my past that fuels the connection I have with music. It is what makes music special to me. It gives me passion and strength to look beyond the notes on the page and make it an act that lets people relate to what I am feeling or have felt. It gives an open door to my soul. It lets me speak in ways that ordinary words cannot. 

I once told a very dear friend to pick a strong, powerful, and meaningful moment in their life, and let that be the guide to release the emotion in the music. They sat and thought for a second, prepared themselves and performed like I have never seen someone perform. At the end, both teary eyed, I knew they understood what it meant to put your feelings into the music. I felt their joy, their past, their memory. I will honestly never forget that moment. Being able to see that strength and passion in just a 3 minute span really left a mark in my soul. 

Music is my language. I can never give it up. It is something that I always can turn to when I have no other way to express myself. These moments this past year have given me drive to never lose hope. My music can never lose hope. I sit here with pith and vigor in my heart to once again show you all the greatness you did for me.

I have so much more to say, but I honestly cannot put it into words rights now...

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Audacity

As you may know already, I have a new job. I no longer work at one of the hospitals in Knoxville, I actually work at The Olive Garden. Right now I am a host, but I will soon be training for bartending/serving. Since I have had no restaurant experience in my life, they thought I would be best transitioned into the restaurant field through hosting. I did not complain because I needed a job. My interviews went really well and the management REALLY liked me. I have a way with words and charm...I always do well in interviews haha. Anyways today at work was a little different. Here is a little  back story...

There was one other host that was hired at the same time I was. She was in the same orientation, we had the same training. She is younger than I am and is still in college. She only works weekends and maybe one or two nights a week. I work full time with maybe only one or two days off a week. We both have been working there for almost 4 weeks.


Well today the lunch crowd finally slowed down so there was nothing to do at the front of the house but to just talk and wait. This girl flat out asks me why I make a dollar more an hour than her (I already was aware that she knew of my higher wage because I caught her eyeing down my personnel file during orientation and she had  recently talked about it with another host). Well I told her it was probably because I actually have a degree and currently am working on a professional degree, and that I have had long lasting jobs in the past to boost my broad-spectrum experience. She did not take that as a legitimate answer...

What I wanted to say to her is that she is a moron who cannot do her job very well. There are four versions of hosts at Olive Garden and she can only do one version in an "okay" manner. She is very slow and never around to do her job when you need her the most. She is constantly texting even after being told by a manager that if they catch her again the phone will be in the toilet and she will be written up. She never remembers any of the vital details and still continues to asks repetitive questions on things she already learned.

It really made me mad because she does not value her job at all. I am extremely thankful for my job and I work hard to keep it. I strongly believe that your work ethic should relate to your pay (most often that does not happen, but it can). She had no right to complain about me making more money than her. I have more long lasting experience and I have a degree. She barely has any experience and is a sophomore in college. I had less than a week of training; she had two and a half weeks. I have received multiple compliments from the management and a few free meals for my hard work, she has received nothing. Yes, we were hired to do the same thing, but we are not on the same level. Thank you and have a good day. Quit your whining and learn how to be better at your job. Try to be thankful for once that you have something that most do not.

I know she will continue to think about, and the day might come where I will tell her what I actually think. I am known for making people cry, so what is just one more person? haha

Anyways, there is my rant and vent for the day.

Fight for a better tomorrow...

Needing that health motivation

I love to exercise. I hate to exercise alone. I do not know what it is. I cannot find the motivation to exercise alone. I am in serious need to have a workout partner.

Anyone want to face the workout program of INSANITY with me? I have done it before, I just need to do it again. I hate doing it by myself. It seems weird for me to suffer through it alone. Why not share the pain and misery? Or does anyone know any good tips to keeping the motivation to exercise on your own?

Fight for a better tomorrow...

Same ol', same ol'

I have been one to always try to find the fullest of each and every day. To try to live each day as happily and "life-driven" as possible. I am due for something crazy and out of the ordinary. I need something just flat out stupid and non-routine to do.

I have spent this past month and a half trying rebuild everything. I am sure that  my life is close to being whole again. Like I said a few posts ago, time is what I need to heal. But I think what will help me is just a "life affirming" act.

Its time for an extreme adrenaline rush. I have been thankful enough to see the support and love from the ones I care the most about. I could not have asked for more. Now I just need to go out and show that my life is back in order (mostly anyways). It might not actually ever the same, but I am needing to break this routine of reliving the past. I have to live for the future with every hope and drive. My routine will be new but similar in several aspects.

Who knows, I could just walk out the door with nothing on...but maybe in the spring, the weather is getting a little brisk.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Sacrifice

I had to take a few days to get my thoughts organized on this topic. It is a huge one for me and a huge one for all of mankind really. It covers so many facets of life, and not just on the religious level. No matter your type of personality or lifestyle, instances of sacrifices are bound to present before you. It can either be sacrificing your time to pick someone up, your sandwich to a homeless person, or your life to protect the ones around you. I'm basically saying that no matter what you will sacrifice something in your life. I believe it is the amount that you sacrifice and the goals that it meets that really define a man.

Whenever I start out new Drum Majors (marching band stuff) one of the first things I make sure they understand that in order for them to be successful is to be sacrificial. They must sacrifice their "everything" in order to help their band succeed. I firmly believe Drum Majors are always the first to arrive, and the last to leave. Even though you are technically the leader of the band, you do everything in your power to make sure no one falls. You follow them to support them, to carry them when they need it. You make sure you use every fiber of your being to make sure no one is left behind. You have to sacrifice yourself to make them reach their goals.

I used to be one of those types of people that only looked out for themselves. The type of life I lived, I guess I needed to be like that to protect myself until I could get out on my own. I am extremely grateful for all that I had in my young life, but there were events that just pushed me into a state of "every man for himself." I was popular, but a loner at the same time. I did not understand that I actually needed the help of others.

I have learned the past few years that it is no longer all about me. I have learned recently that it will never be all about me. It is about the people around me. I went through some really hard times, and will continue to go through hard times, but it cannot derail me from giving my entire being to help and protect the people around me.

I currently face hatred right now (as does everyone else, it is humanity). But even through that hatred I know that I have to be there to sacrifice if the moment warrants it. We have the opportunity to choose how we sacrifice, but I am slowly learning that I do not need to choose. I must sacrifice the same for the person that loves me the most and the person that hates me. It also applies to the person I love the most and the person that I hate the most.

I am working on myself to get to the point that no matter who it is, I will sacrifice. So you can hate me, not understand me, not know me, not be in my life, but I will still give up everything and anything I can to make sure you can actually live.

Nothing will change the person I want and need to be.

Missing

I have to keep telling myself that it is going to take time to heal. That something of this magnitude is not going to go away instantly. I sure do miss every reality I conjured up when we

were friends. I have had to give up a lot lately. For better or worse there is still somethings that I will never be able to give up. They just mean WAY too much to me. They were, actually are my
life. I invested my entire being into their lives that I know I will remain there. It definitely will not happen by tomorrow or next week, but I pray that I can enter back into everyone's lives at some point in the near future. I would still stake my life on their everything. Some will still hate for it but I guess that comes with the meaning of sacrifice.

Sacrifice.....sacrifice.....I have to go think some more. Tomorrow's will be on "Sacrifice"

Simplicity

A great friend just recently told me "Enjoy the Simplicity." He could not have been more right...

Our lives, especially mine, become way to complicated. We look for that next best thing to make it easier but we actually make it more confounded (I love that word, by the way). Myself, I always have my phone by my side. I use it to stay connected to people, check my emails, look up random facts, read weird posts, play music, take pictures...the list goes on. One might argue that I made it simple by bringing it all into one device, but I would say to them "why do I actually need to have all of that?"

There are times where I forget to pay my phone bill and it gets cut off, but I actually relish in that time. I love the fact that I cannot check up on everything in every second of the day. I admire that freedom. It is too short-lived when I have to turn it back on because my mother starts worrying if I do not call her (I would rather call instead of dealing with police at my door, yes it has happened before).

But there is so much wisdom in those three words. My friend's, that I stated earlier, all time comfort food is Saltines. Yes, that is right, Saltines. In my opinion you cannot get anymore simpler than that. It amazes me that something so simple can satisfy him so much. It is something that I really look up to and respect. It is not just the fact that it is really cheap or easy to access, but that there is so much more meaning to it (as I see it anyways). To be so happy by such a simple thing is really admiring. I honestly wish there was something in my life that I could relate to like that.

I ask of you, can you name something as simple as Saltines that honestly makes you happier than anything? I am out to find something like that for myself.

Everything for a Reason

I have always been a proponent of "everything happens for a reason." I do believe there is a higher power at work that has a plan for my life. It is whether you believe or not it is the work or God or some other being of faith. There have been some major upsets in my life and generally I have been fortunate enough to know the reason for them. One of the major ones was me being denied college acceptance into Furman University. My whole high school career I "thought" I was destined for Furman. I knew that my life was supposed to follow a piano career and be a Paladin. Well that was short-lived when I received that letter of denial. I was crushed, beaten, depressed, and angry.

A few years later I understood why I was not supposed to go to Furman. I traveled with the A Cappella Choir of Carson-Newman College to Israel and sang in Bethlehem on Christmas Eve. That's right! The Holy Land, on Christmas Eve. One of the biggest events of my life. Because of the connections and sense of family of A Cappella, I knew that Furman was not right for me. I understand the reason for being denied acceptance into Furman.

This most recent upset in my life, I am still searching for a reason for this. This was a huge test of faith for me. I screamed, literally screamed, at my higher being of faith for letting this happen to me. I could not understand why Someone would let this much destruction and sadness happen to someone. I still do not really understand it, but I am seeing the type of person I am changing into.

I have become more of an accepting person. A person that is starting to love everyone. I used to be a very mean and "jerky" person that only accepted a small group of people. I would not hesitate on picking out the faults of the people "I could not stand." Through this whole ordeal I have learned to be very forgiving and to start loving people for who they are. I am starting to catch and correct myself when I say something bad about a person. I honestly believe that I am becoming a better person. About a few weeks after "that" day, I played for a church service, and I sat in the sanctuary, alone, pleading to God for a sign. I later took communion and cried for a new start and transparent happiness.

I do believe that my prayers were answered. This past week or so I have had moments of unbridled joy and happiness. I have seen what it truly means to be loved. I have also learned to never give up my faith. I was tested in a huge way, and I know now to never give up hope because there is a reason for all of it. Right now there are moments where I keep on getting beat down, but I remain strong. I have faith in every person and being. I have hope that things will be opened up and made clear for those I care for. I pray that every confusion and bad mark be taken away so that the only thing left is hope and love.

But the one thing I understand most is that we are all human. We have the capacity of infinite feelings. We have that free will to think and feel whatever we want. So I want you to think whatever you feel; live out your most undeniable human right. But all I ask is that you do not judge me for my thoughts and actions, for I will not do the same to you. I have learned that in order for me to feel better about myself, I must sacrifice my all to help anyone I can. That will never change now.

I know that in today's world religion and self-belief is a touchy subject, but it is something I had to say. I know some will side with me and some will not, but like I said, it is your undeniable human right decide for yourself.