The Creeping Fear

I am in my third of recovery. Things are getting better, slowly but surely. Pain is still present and I still get exhausted very easily, but I feel more myself every day. It will a week or two before I get some energy back. It will take at least six months before I can do any kind of exercise. With that in mind, I have made some serious changes to my diet so I do not become a Fatty Fatty McFatson. I...have also...finally become afraid. Afraid...

There are several moments from the week that I keep replaying over and over in my head. Walking into the clinic, clenching to my chest, choking out "I need help." Laying in the clinic bed and the doctor is holding my hand as I can hear the change in the tone of her voice. Spending in a week in pain as the doctors figure out why my numbers are so off. Being sent off with a mountain of warnings but ultimately a good prognosis. I am finally afraid, through all the recovery and hope, the fear has finally crept onto me.

To make things clear, I am not afraid of death. Looking back at the few times were I almost was "lost," I was never afraid of death. I am afraid of the unknown. If I were to die, it would have been certain. Things would have been clean-cut, decisive, absolute. Unfortunate I have had the time to sit and/or lay down for a good amount of time and think. If I follow the recovery plan I should not see any long term complications. If things could go badly, I could face a chronic condition; a chronic condition of pain and exhaustion. The grey-area  is what is scary...

One detail I have left out for everyone is that fact I do not have any insurance right now. I have put up a face for some so I could save some worry for people (selfish I know, but I could not help myself). Thanks to a lot of the changes the government is making for healthcare I lost my health insurance at the beginning of the year. Here in the next month I will have insurance again because I finally found a great deal on insurance. Yet it is a funny thing that shortly when I do not have insurance, I go through one of the hardest times in my life. A test, for sure, with an outcome that I have no idea where the direction leads. My hospital bill will probably be close to $200,000. A lot of money to spend in one week, right?

I signed up for a case of charity through the hospital. It has not been approved yet, but I am apparently at the "top of the list." Yet more uncertainty my life is being faced with a test of spirit that I sure hope I do not have to face. I would rather spend $200k on a house or a super amazing car. I am so afraid of the forks in the road, the status of my broken heart, of the way my life might end up at in the next six months to a year.

I know this feeling is not forever. My spirit is not broken, but my mind cannot help to run rampant. I pray for peace and strength, and I am at peace that I know my life, and mind, will be just fine; I am at peace. Yet I am still fearful...I guess that is the beauty of the unknown. It is frightfully...exciting but no where near thrilling.

I will be fine, I have every certainty that I know I will be. This is just a monster in the closet. In time, it will all go away and get better.

Fight for a better tomorrow