The Spirit of the Matter

I am into my third week of illness and confinements of the plushness that is my bed. I can safely say the whole "resting" part of my recovery is getting old; it is for the birds, if you will. I had to return to the hospital this past weekend because my main cardiologist was not returning my calls and I was feeling worse by the hour. In short, the inflammation, caused by the virus, had spread from the muscle walls of the heart to the pericardial sack and a few spots near the sides of my lungs. Lucky me, right?

Well, that question is actually the main point for this post. While I was in the week long stay in the hospital for the initial diagnosis, there was a chaplain on staff for the hospital that came to visit and talk with me every day. An extremely kindhearted, wise Christian man who showed great worry and great promise for my health and stability. He was truly a man of the Word, and I greatly appreciate his companionship. Throughout the week and our encounters he had one question he always asked every day, "how is your spirit today?"

With the multitude of the medical things that were happening to me at the time, I honestly did not dive deep into the question, at the time. Along with that question he would ask if I ever wondered "why me" or "why would You do this?" I would always respond with "nope, I do not wonder the why, I just know this is happening, and I have to and will get through it to the end. I know my savior will help me through it." I honestly do not wonder why this is all happening to me. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Every test and every joy we experience is meant for out lives; it is our plan that is already laid out for us.

At the end of my stay, when I was sitting in a wheelchair waiting for my mom to pick me up to take me to my home, that same chaplain was hurrying by, made eye contact with me and yelled out "ah, I caught you before you left!" So he came by, pulled up a nearby chair and we had our last talk before he walked out and helped me into my mother's car. One of his last remarks to me was "I have never met a person with a stronger spirit than you. Thank you so much for letting me spend time with you and getting to know you. I will continue to pray for your recovery." Right there at that moment, I was pretty much speechless. All I could say was "You are truly a gift, thank you. Thank you."

Never met a stronger spirit? No one has ever said anything like that to me; it still resonates within me. I honestly do not know how to "digest" that compliment. There were a couple of times where I was close to passing on to the next world during my week stay in the hospital. Even now, if I do not follow my recovery plan, the virus could damage my heart so badly that I could die in a moment's notice. Yet, it still does not deter my spirit. I know I have gone through some terrible things in my short life already. I have been broken down in absolute shambles, having no idea if I will have a life's breath within the hour. I have learned that even in my darkest times I have never been forsaken, beaten to the point where I can no longer stand. I have always had my God, my Holy Spirit there to help bring me back up. It took a lot of stubbornness and mistakes to learn that, but I know that I am never truly broken down to the point I cannot get back up. I might be given something that can knock me down, but it is never something that inhibits me from getting right back up and fighting once more.

I will probably never understand the purpose for this illness. People have said "oh, it is just God's way of saying 'slow down'." That might be true since I practically live on the edge of my seat and I am always stressed over something. I am always busy and I rarely get to enjoy down time. So those people might be right, but I do not quite see it that way. Talking with that gentleman for the week did open my eyes to a lot of matters in my own life. Things I know I will need to address; things I know that I cannot keep on the back burner for much longer. I do know that one of the main reasons for the strength of spirit is the love and support that I received from family and friends that week. A had a lot of visitors come in even though I was in respiratory isolation, and an overwhelming amount of messages from people that could not visit. I thank those people for building and reinforcing my spirit. It does not waiver because of their love.

I am on the mend, and I have a few more weeks before I will be close to my old self again. I am still not finished with this spirit matter. I feel I might blog on this again soon. Until then, stay healthy my friends. Staying bed all day is not as fun as it sounds!

Fight for a better tomorrow