I took some dear friends out to dinner last night. To show my appreciation of putting up with me through the past few years and to show my gratitude of pulling me out of despair. After some hours of conversing and sharing I realized I honestly think to an exponential amount. Kind of seems weird to say, but my mind is always racing. The more I know, the more areas of gray seem to appear.
Nothing is as clear and simple as it needs to be. I have worked to truly understand how human thought-processes work, and I can rightly say that I understand human emotion and thought a lot better than most. I'm a very perceptive person and I always tend to see something happen before it happens. I'm not saying that I am any psychic (cause I really don't believe in that stuff), but I always seems to understand and "pre-adapt" to any situation.
It has not been until recently that I feel the more I seek out to understand, the more things become confused and twisted. I keep wondering "what if" and "what should I do next?" Never have I been this indecisive about anything. Life would be perfect if I could get a clear cut answer or direction...but we all know that is never the case.
My main concern, well driving question, is do I really play ignorant and forget all of my understanding so there are no more gray areas? So I can have a child's discovery and really see everything in splendid color? Do I really put away that instinct to gain understanding so that I never have to worry about the answers? Should my life always be questions? (I realized I have asked a bunch of questions...).
I want to understand the main reason of why I cannot seem to gain the most important thing I lost. I would love to be able to get it back, but I have no idea if that is possible. But I just want the reasons why. Heck, I just want a "hey," but if that seems to be a life-staking request right now.
A lot of this is very introverted, and retrospective but sometimes I just need to talk myself through somethings
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