Felt it today!

Reeeeeeally felt the love today. I'm serious too haha. I was eating lunch and looking through my Twitter account (yes I do have a twitter, so don't judge too harshly lol, you can follow me at @Sweiner_wingle), and I ran across one of the tweets by my old peeps at Carter HS. There was a portion of it that said "P.S. we all like Swingle better." Man, did that put a HUGE smile on my face. And then something happened, people started to retweet that comment. I couldn't have been happier!!

I have been in such a great mood today. Got tons of compliments at the new job. Got a huge lunch at Olive Garden for only $5. Saw those tweets. Kept getting messages of "we miss you." Really great day today. I'm just hoping for that one last connection to make my life whole again.

Staying optimistic!!!

Sense?

It doesn't make sense. Every reality I can fathom still seems to miss one thing. That one most important thing that I thought would never leave.

You never know what you have until it is gone, right? Ain't that the freaking truth! (Sorry for my horrible redneck dialect)

So much to think about

I took some dear friends out to dinner last night. To show my appreciation of putting up with me through the past few years and to show my gratitude of pulling me out of despair. After some hours of conversing and sharing I realized I honestly think to an exponential amount. Kind of seems weird to say, but my mind is always racing. The more I know, the more areas of gray seem to appear.

Nothing is as clear and simple as it needs to be. I have worked to truly understand how human thought-processes work, and I can rightly say that I understand human emotion and thought a lot better than most. I'm a very perceptive person and I always tend to see something happen before it happens. I'm not saying that I am any psychic (cause I really don't believe in that stuff), but I always seems to understand and "pre-adapt" to any situation.

It has not been until recently that I feel the more I seek out to understand, the more things become confused and twisted. I keep wondering "what if" and "what should I do next?" Never have I been this indecisive about anything. Life would be perfect if I could get a clear cut answer or direction...but we all know that is never the case.

My main concern, well driving question, is do I really play ignorant and forget all of my understanding so there are no more gray areas? So I can have a child's discovery and really see everything in splendid color? Do I really put away that instinct to gain understanding so that I never have to worry about the answers? Should my life always be questions? (I realized I have asked a bunch of questions...).

I want to understand the main reason of why I cannot seem to gain the most important thing I lost. I would love to be able to get it back, but I have no idea if that is possible. But I just want the reasons why. Heck, I just want a "hey," but if that seems to be a life-staking request right now.

A lot of this is very introverted, and retrospective but sometimes I just need to talk myself through somethings

Can't seem to get enough

...Sleep, that is.

I do not know what the heck is wrong with me. I do not know if it is my mind that is so overwhelmed, that my body has drastically changed, or if I slept too much when I was kid, but lately my sleep schedule has been jacked up. I am constantly waking up at the the break of dawn and then falling asleep well into the morning hours around 3 or 4. Ultimately giving me 3-4 hours of sleep every night. And even that 3-4 hours of sleep is convoluted with light sleeping and constant "wake-ups." I used to soundly sleep for 8-12+ hours at a time and never wake up in the night. I always slept like a rock wrapped in a steel box. Unable to be roused from my sleep.

Now I just don't sleep anymore. My conjecture for this problem is that my mind is so flooded with the recent events that I physically cannot get myself to rest. It is almost like I am afraid to sleep because my dreams give me false pretenses of a world that does not exist anymore. When I actually do wake up, I wake up happy but then I lose that feeling because I realize it was only a dream. I am actually finding myself having conversations with myself in my dreams. Saying: "you idiot, this isn't real. Stop being happy. It will never be like this again."

What the hell do I do? It is like I am thinking myself to death. I am truly my own worst enemy. Damn my overactive psyche...

Good times had by all

I always find comfort in my friends in the Knoxville Choral Society. I have unfortunately not been able to sing with them this fall and winter because of work. But I was finally able to make it to the weekly get together at Chili's after the rehearsal this time. Let's just say that I have missed the feeling of being around people. Laughs and conversations were to the extreme.

Since I have been in a rut for the past month I was kind of nervous for getting around people again. Everything that happened a month ago left my self-esteem and confidence completely shot. I felt like an abused puppy trying to return to its owner. Scared, wanting love, hoping for a better experience. With my tail nervously tucked away I walked into the restaurant and there was an uproar of the entire party yelling out "SWINGLE!!!" Man, I needed that. My mind, body, and soul needed that welcome.

I will be mended...

In the Mood

I just have to say that listening to compositions by Rachmaninoff always puts in a better mood. No matter how I am feeling, I feel comforted and at peace whenever I hear those melodious sounds. If you can't tell my favorite composer is Rachmaninoff. I have been listening to his pieces and songs all night. His ability to write a melody surpasses any composer, in my opinion. I just wish that I could be half the composer as he was in my lifetime.

Happy

I saw all of my favorite people today. I couldn't have been happier. I huge turn around for me lately. I'm still smiling. Plans for continued connections were made. Still hoping a few more will come back into play. I'm seriously in a great mood!!

A New Beginning!

Yes, my last post was a pretty depressing one in my opinion. It was a sad, sob story that seemed to end in my ultimate destruction. Well I am happy to say that is no longer the case.

I got a new job (pretty quickly actually). I applied for it earlier this week and was offered the position earlier this evening. Now, it isn't the most glamorous job in the world but it pays pretty decently, and it will allow me to continue with my masters so I will not be complaining.

I have made my connections with friends again so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A new, but familiar, life has started for me and I am starting to become peaceful again. I actually have a genuine smile on my face right now.

Though I just did something that was probably really stupid. I bought a Christmas gift for someone that I can't talk to anymore. But heck, I'm optimistic and maybe it won't be so bad. Besides I won't be talking to them, just gifting them. So technically I could say it is a loophole (probably not but it makes me feel better) ha!

Anyways, I'm tired of being depressed and worthless. Its just not my style. Hello new, but old, me!!

Adaptation...

I can honestly say that I have been through Hell and back (not quite back yet but I'm slowly progressing). Stick with me please, this will be an emotional ride for me...

I know what it means to lose everything in your life. To be left with nothing other than your earthly body. Yes, even my soul seemed to vacant. A little over a month ago my life was perfect. I had the best friends in the world, a great paying job, and opportunities opening up left and right for me. I finally had no worries, no quilt, no problems. The majority of my friends were the younger generation, but I never saw that because as much as they learned from me, I learned tenfold from them. They were my equals. I came particularly close to one individual. Everything seemed right...but apparently it wasn't. I won't go into the gory details but there were a few people that were not comfortable with our friendship.

Losing that friendship made me lose my other friendships and my life's passion. I had no other option but to walk away. I was literally physically sick because I lost everything I have ever loved. I went home not wanting to continue my life. I welcomed that "peace," but I did not welcome the pain it would cause to others.

I was hopelessly lost after it all happened. I was a different person; an empty shell. A few weeks after this event I then lost my great paying job because of reasons that involved my previous great friendship. I spent the few weeks after being "nothing." I stayed in bed. I didn't eat. I didn't even bathe. I was more than likely clinically depressed. I had absolutely nothing to live for; no friends, no job, nothing...

I sit here now, almost a month later, trying to piece my life back together. I'm slowly, and cautiously, regaining my old friendships. Ones that I feel matter the most. I am going to continue with my schooling and hopefully find a job that lets me have some comfort. I am going to force myself to get out of bed and start living again, even if it is by myself for the time being.

I will fight to win my life back...