The Ever-Approaching Breath of Death

Most of you generally know my recent adventures, or should I say perils, with a recent heart virus (Viral Myocarditis). You can click on the link to learn more about it. Basically I spent a week in the hospital, ICU and Infectious Isolation, going back and forth between 104 degree temperatures and heart attack-like episodes. I can easily mark that week as one of my least fun weeks in my life so far.

Even though my prognosis is very good (so far anyways) there is still a lot of risks and complications I ultimately face. For 6-12 months after the initial diagnosis, I have to limit my physical activity so my heart rate does not go very high. The virus did enough damage to the heart that it will take at least that long to fully recover. I cannot push or exert myself; practically no aerobic exercise. Even going up and down a few flights of stairs can push me to the brink of passing out (actually happened last week). I can quickly feel the pain and loss of energy if I do too much in one day. Within these 6-12 months I could face a heart transplant if the damage cannot be healed, or facing the possibility of sudden death through immediate cardiac arrest. My main long term risk is chronic heart failure. Scary, right?

When someone asks about what happened and how everything is going currently, I generally experience their response of "oh my gosh, that is just horrible" or how do you live like that?!" Yes, not being able to be active and energetic, and basically live life with little work hours and a lot time in bed, I have to develop a lot of patience (which I have learned is my divine lesson). I have had a lot of people express great amounts of worry for the fact that I could pass out at any moment, and it would be the end of my story. I have actually made a living will and some advanced directives in case I am somehow incapacitated. But, in all honestly, I am not afraid of this haunting figure that travels with me for the next year. If it happens, it happens! It is my time to go, and I get the extreme joy of being with my creator. I will get to blast and perform my trumpet for all of the divine creation, sooner rather than later. The possibility my heart could immediately stop is very real...but it is not what is scary for me...

I am a man of faith; a man that has a loving relationship with the Father and Jesus Christ. For people of religion and faith, it is the ultimate gift to spend the rest of eternity in heaven with the Son, the Father and the Holy Ghost. Whatever your background or beliefs may be, I know if I live my life the way God sees it, I shall forever be blessed. Even with this promise, there is small fear of no longer living the life of humanity. Childish and immature, I know, but it is a fear I am fervently trying to put behind me. The fact I could die by cardiac arrest at any day is not unnerving, it is the diminishing time I have left on this earth. Knowing that I may only have 60 or 70 years left of life is more eye-opening than a sudden death for the span of one year. My 25 years of life have been amazing and fulfilling, but also daunting because it seems it has taken only an instant to pass by.

I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving things behind (still childish, I know, I have a lot of faith to gain in this breadth). I know I will lose a lot, but will gain oodles more if I pass through the Pearly Gates. Even with the gifts that lay before me, I still cannot help myself to fear the deprivation of human life. It might even be the reverence of the quailing end of time. I can only hope that my life is seen as a righteous one in the eyes of my God. Maybe it is the belief I am expecting to possibly die any time through this year, instead of an unexpected day 60 or 70 years down the road. A true beautiful enigma that comes as a part of the human experience.

I would be interested to see where people stand and feel about this kind of mentality. Are you more worried about the expected high chance of withering away in one years time, or a long adventure of esprit that could end in the span of 50-70 years?

Comment and discuss! I would love to know your position.

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Creeping Fear

I am in my third of recovery. Things are getting better, slowly but surely. Pain is still present and I still get exhausted very easily, but I feel more myself every day. It will a week or two before I get some energy back. It will take at least six months before I can do any kind of exercise. With that in mind, I have made some serious changes to my diet so I do not become a Fatty Fatty McFatson. I...have also...finally become afraid. Afraid...

There are several moments from the week that I keep replaying over and over in my head. Walking into the clinic, clenching to my chest, choking out "I need help." Laying in the clinic bed and the doctor is holding my hand as I can hear the change in the tone of her voice. Spending in a week in pain as the doctors figure out why my numbers are so off. Being sent off with a mountain of warnings but ultimately a good prognosis. I am finally afraid, through all the recovery and hope, the fear has finally crept onto me.

To make things clear, I am not afraid of death. Looking back at the few times were I almost was "lost," I was never afraid of death. I am afraid of the unknown. If I were to die, it would have been certain. Things would have been clean-cut, decisive, absolute. Unfortunate I have had the time to sit and/or lay down for a good amount of time and think. If I follow the recovery plan I should not see any long term complications. If things could go badly, I could face a chronic condition; a chronic condition of pain and exhaustion. The grey-area  is what is scary...

One detail I have left out for everyone is that fact I do not have any insurance right now. I have put up a face for some so I could save some worry for people (selfish I know, but I could not help myself). Thanks to a lot of the changes the government is making for healthcare I lost my health insurance at the beginning of the year. Here in the next month I will have insurance again because I finally found a great deal on insurance. Yet it is a funny thing that shortly when I do not have insurance, I go through one of the hardest times in my life. A test, for sure, with an outcome that I have no idea where the direction leads. My hospital bill will probably be close to $200,000. A lot of money to spend in one week, right?

I signed up for a case of charity through the hospital. It has not been approved yet, but I am apparently at the "top of the list." Yet more uncertainty my life is being faced with a test of spirit that I sure hope I do not have to face. I would rather spend $200k on a house or a super amazing car. I am so afraid of the forks in the road, the status of my broken heart, of the way my life might end up at in the next six months to a year.

I know this feeling is not forever. My spirit is not broken, but my mind cannot help to run rampant. I pray for peace and strength, and I am at peace that I know my life, and mind, will be just fine; I am at peace. Yet I am still fearful...I guess that is the beauty of the unknown. It is frightfully...exciting but no where near thrilling.

I will be fine, I have every certainty that I know I will be. This is just a monster in the closet. In time, it will all go away and get better.

Fight for a better tomorrow