The Milestones

Still in this "thought driven rut," I came across this certain little detail that seems to drive my life forward. Even when I do not want to go forward or not, these milestones keep barreling through time with no end to them at all...

Just to jump right into it, my life has clearly been made up of certain and distinct milestones that I have both feared and revered. I am sure many people could relate to this because I feel that we all have certain goals that we have set through our lives. Yet for me, I can clearly remember a lot of the details of these milestones.

In kindergarten I remember not wanting to go up to 1st grade because I would miss nap time too much. I so looked forward to the day that I went up to 5th grade from 4th. I thought those kids were so old and so cool (man I was naive). Going up to the middle school, thinking I will finally become someone older and more respected (man I was still dumb). Then moving on up to the high school were the glory days would begin. Fighting to get my license, fighting to get out of the house, fighting to get a job. Moving away to college and really trying to make a name for myself at that point. Now trying to gain respect through my big boy job.

Each time there is a certain hump that I always to have to face, good and evil. No longer can I let my imagination run wild and kapwinngg away in my fantasy. I no longer will have my scheduled nap times and play time on the swings. I need to progress forward to my next hump in the travels of life.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Brains

My brain:

Severely complex, non-stop, overly critical, friend and enemy. 

There are certain things in my life that really bring me to convene inside of myself. One certain thing happened tonight. I will not go into detail on exactly it is, because I do not want to give out the pathetic sob story it ultimately is. But no matter what, I am in constant war with my own self. 

More and more, I am noticing nervous habits that seem to get worse as time passes by. I catch my body trying to fight its way through the gunk of thoughts my brain is trying to process. I catch myself literally talking and arguing with myself to sort for an answer. I honestly wish I could let my brain run free so that I would not have to be tortured by this continuous thought. 

Am I insane? Indubitably. Well I would honestly believe so. I would like to think that I am a very smart person, but there are times that I honestly wish I was not so enlightened, if you will. For in ignorance there surely is bliss. I honestly believe in this statement. It is an "out of sight, out of mind" principle for me. If I ultimately do not know about something, my brain is free from trying to analyze it. 

I am a very detailed person. I have been told I am an "observer." I sit back and try to figure out each detail to life, and how those details interact and how they affect one another. I systematically break everything down and find each detail. It is tedious and plaguing. 

I am ready to be out of my own mind for awhile. I hate what all this thought does to me. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

New Things

I know....

I do not want to say it has been awhile since I last blogged, by hey, just did it, so oh well (dang that is a lot of commas). But anyways, it has been nearly six months since I have last put down my thoughts.

When I last left off, I was fighting to survive in Tennessee. With the exception of a handful of people, I found myself severely "disjunct" from many social aspects. I went to work at a less than stellar job then went home, immediately went into my room where I spent the rest of the evening, then repeated that same process the next day. It was quite sad. Just about on the verge of depression. There were a few people in my life that kept me from going into that downward spiral and I cannot thank them enough for their unknowing assistance. It seemed my life had stopped; nothing was progressing forward.

Well since from that point I have moved down to Charleston. I literally packed up all of my belongings, and stuffed a 16 foot moving truck, to the brim mind you, all in one night. Seriously, all in one night. Some coworkers took me out for a few last rounds of festivities, I went home at 3:00am, started packing then left Knoxville at noon that same day. Even though I had been planning this move for a few months, the actually packing and moving process was basically instantaneous.

Anyways, I moved to Charleston in July and I can safely say it has been the best decision of my life. Even though I spent about six weeks being homeless and living out of my car or someone's couch, I immediately knew this city was great. I do have a condo here that is about 10 minutes from downtown, just in case you are wondering. Here in this city I get to follow my extreme passion of music and teaching. Every day of my life is filled with music and I am honestly, purely happy. I have positions that range from Orchestra Director, Visual instructor, Conducting Instructor, private lessons teacher, studio musician, and professional orchestral player. In this short time I have been able to make a name for myself here and become a respected individual in the musical field. I thank God all of the time for these fantastic opportunities. I understand that he had to break me down to the absolute basic foundation so that he could build me back up.

All in all, I am shocked at the great things in my life. I no longer have to worry about finances. I make just enough money to live comfortably, not extravagant, but just enough that I do not have to worry anymore. I have made some great friends and connections here, and I love all of the musicians I get to be in contact with. I just love my life, and nothing can bring me down.

But I can say that I really miss all of my friends that I made in Knoxville. I miss all of the Carter people the most. I miss my best friend and I hope I get to see him soon. I hope I never have to let those friendships go again...never again.

Fight for a better tomorrow