A Year Later...

Today is the one year mark facing my mortality. So many details, bargains, and epiphanies from this past year I honestly could not fit them all into a week worth's of posts. So I hope to keep this as short as possible...

One year ago today, I contracted an unknown virus (doctors could never pinpoint the exact virus) that decided to take up residency and attack the muscle walls of my heart. The virus created so much inflammation it mimicked a heart attack. Thankfully I did not have to face the dead tissue of a heart attack, but I surely experienced the same pain. Four "heart attack-like" episodes later, I was put up into infectious isolation for a week. Cardiologist told me he never saw "[my] kind of numbers before, even in people who suffer from congestive heart failure." After a week, I was discharged with endless medications and parting wish of "things might get better, hopefully in six to twelve months, but honestly we cannot be certain." Go big or go home, right?

Almost two months of being completely bed ridden from the pain, having no level of energy, unable to breathe, and honestly lack of willpower, I was utterly defeated. Cannot begin to count how many times I had to ask my roommate to open my pill bottles/containers because I had no strength to do so. I tried to go back to work, mainly because after two months I could not afford laying around anymore, but I still faced a lot of problems. I would get tired easily, extremely winded, and only had the strength to stand and walk. It seemed it would take forever to get back to my normal self. Living in constant fear and agony of my heart giving out, and never being able to be among my friends and family again. It was a real fear, guys; more than I care to admit.

The doctors originally gave me a six to twelve month recovery window. One cardiologist told me I was fine three months from being discharged. My current cardiologist gave me more real expectations. Currently my heart is open and clear, and seems to function within normal ranges. But, there is still inflammatory damage lingering; which will take a long time to recover from. My current recovery window is roughly three to four years.

To lay it out there, I live in constant pain every day. It feels like there is a swiveling fork in my chest. I have learned to manage living with the pain. Usually it does not greatly mess up my daily life. There are a few occasions where the pain is more prominent then it usually is. I just have to deal with it, as bad as it is. I know this will take a great deal of time. So in short, on a daily basis I am completely fine guys, I do not need special attention. I just need time...

Bill Watterson illustrates in this C&H strip, you never know when that truck is going to hit you. I would have never guessed that I almost died a few times that week. Or that if I had remained my stubborn self for just one more hour before seeking medical attention, my heart would have basically exploded from beating so fast. Facing your mortality can be extremely depressing. I can admit it was a concern from the doctors for a little bit. But from this year I have had so many people ask me "how can you be so easy-going about what happened, and laugh about it?"

Well frankly, my idiocy and stubbornness of the unwillingness to seek medical attention is pretty funny, and also the many stupid acts I did while on some serious pain killers at the hospital is quite hilarious. But it is more because I know that I AM ALIVE. It is the best thing I could ask for. Yes, I still have ups and downs from the hustles of life, but at the end of the day, I am thrilled I was able to live through it. I have been at the lowest of lows, mentally and physically. I have been scared and inexorable at times. Yet, having the ability to tell my story, the brush with death and my battle with the reaper, is truly a blessing and a miracle.

One year down, hopefully only three more to go!


Fight for a better tomorrow...

The Ever-Approaching Breath of Death

Most of you generally know my recent adventures, or should I say perils, with a recent heart virus (Viral Myocarditis). You can click on the link to learn more about it. Basically I spent a week in the hospital, ICU and Infectious Isolation, going back and forth between 104 degree temperatures and heart attack-like episodes. I can easily mark that week as one of my least fun weeks in my life so far.

Even though my prognosis is very good (so far anyways) there is still a lot of risks and complications I ultimately face. For 6-12 months after the initial diagnosis, I have to limit my physical activity so my heart rate does not go very high. The virus did enough damage to the heart that it will take at least that long to fully recover. I cannot push or exert myself; practically no aerobic exercise. Even going up and down a few flights of stairs can push me to the brink of passing out (actually happened last week). I can quickly feel the pain and loss of energy if I do too much in one day. Within these 6-12 months I could face a heart transplant if the damage cannot be healed, or facing the possibility of sudden death through immediate cardiac arrest. My main long term risk is chronic heart failure. Scary, right?

When someone asks about what happened and how everything is going currently, I generally experience their response of "oh my gosh, that is just horrible" or how do you live like that?!" Yes, not being able to be active and energetic, and basically live life with little work hours and a lot time in bed, I have to develop a lot of patience (which I have learned is my divine lesson). I have had a lot of people express great amounts of worry for the fact that I could pass out at any moment, and it would be the end of my story. I have actually made a living will and some advanced directives in case I am somehow incapacitated. But, in all honestly, I am not afraid of this haunting figure that travels with me for the next year. If it happens, it happens! It is my time to go, and I get the extreme joy of being with my creator. I will get to blast and perform my trumpet for all of the divine creation, sooner rather than later. The possibility my heart could immediately stop is very real...but it is not what is scary for me...

I am a man of faith; a man that has a loving relationship with the Father and Jesus Christ. For people of religion and faith, it is the ultimate gift to spend the rest of eternity in heaven with the Son, the Father and the Holy Ghost. Whatever your background or beliefs may be, I know if I live my life the way God sees it, I shall forever be blessed. Even with this promise, there is small fear of no longer living the life of humanity. Childish and immature, I know, but it is a fear I am fervently trying to put behind me. The fact I could die by cardiac arrest at any day is not unnerving, it is the diminishing time I have left on this earth. Knowing that I may only have 60 or 70 years left of life is more eye-opening than a sudden death for the span of one year. My 25 years of life have been amazing and fulfilling, but also daunting because it seems it has taken only an instant to pass by.

I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of leaving things behind (still childish, I know, I have a lot of faith to gain in this breadth). I know I will lose a lot, but will gain oodles more if I pass through the Pearly Gates. Even with the gifts that lay before me, I still cannot help myself to fear the deprivation of human life. It might even be the reverence of the quailing end of time. I can only hope that my life is seen as a righteous one in the eyes of my God. Maybe it is the belief I am expecting to possibly die any time through this year, instead of an unexpected day 60 or 70 years down the road. A true beautiful enigma that comes as a part of the human experience.

I would be interested to see where people stand and feel about this kind of mentality. Are you more worried about the expected high chance of withering away in one years time, or a long adventure of esprit that could end in the span of 50-70 years?

Comment and discuss! I would love to know your position.

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Creeping Fear

I am in my third of recovery. Things are getting better, slowly but surely. Pain is still present and I still get exhausted very easily, but I feel more myself every day. It will a week or two before I get some energy back. It will take at least six months before I can do any kind of exercise. With that in mind, I have made some serious changes to my diet so I do not become a Fatty Fatty McFatson. I...have also...finally become afraid. Afraid...

There are several moments from the week that I keep replaying over and over in my head. Walking into the clinic, clenching to my chest, choking out "I need help." Laying in the clinic bed and the doctor is holding my hand as I can hear the change in the tone of her voice. Spending in a week in pain as the doctors figure out why my numbers are so off. Being sent off with a mountain of warnings but ultimately a good prognosis. I am finally afraid, through all the recovery and hope, the fear has finally crept onto me.

To make things clear, I am not afraid of death. Looking back at the few times were I almost was "lost," I was never afraid of death. I am afraid of the unknown. If I were to die, it would have been certain. Things would have been clean-cut, decisive, absolute. Unfortunate I have had the time to sit and/or lay down for a good amount of time and think. If I follow the recovery plan I should not see any long term complications. If things could go badly, I could face a chronic condition; a chronic condition of pain and exhaustion. The grey-area  is what is scary...

One detail I have left out for everyone is that fact I do not have any insurance right now. I have put up a face for some so I could save some worry for people (selfish I know, but I could not help myself). Thanks to a lot of the changes the government is making for healthcare I lost my health insurance at the beginning of the year. Here in the next month I will have insurance again because I finally found a great deal on insurance. Yet it is a funny thing that shortly when I do not have insurance, I go through one of the hardest times in my life. A test, for sure, with an outcome that I have no idea where the direction leads. My hospital bill will probably be close to $200,000. A lot of money to spend in one week, right?

I signed up for a case of charity through the hospital. It has not been approved yet, but I am apparently at the "top of the list." Yet more uncertainty my life is being faced with a test of spirit that I sure hope I do not have to face. I would rather spend $200k on a house or a super amazing car. I am so afraid of the forks in the road, the status of my broken heart, of the way my life might end up at in the next six months to a year.

I know this feeling is not forever. My spirit is not broken, but my mind cannot help to run rampant. I pray for peace and strength, and I am at peace that I know my life, and mind, will be just fine; I am at peace. Yet I am still fearful...I guess that is the beauty of the unknown. It is frightfully...exciting but no where near thrilling.

I will be fine, I have every certainty that I know I will be. This is just a monster in the closet. In time, it will all go away and get better.

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Spirit of the Matter

I am into my third week of illness and confinements of the plushness that is my bed. I can safely say the whole "resting" part of my recovery is getting old; it is for the birds, if you will. I had to return to the hospital this past weekend because my main cardiologist was not returning my calls and I was feeling worse by the hour. In short, the inflammation, caused by the virus, had spread from the muscle walls of the heart to the pericardial sack and a few spots near the sides of my lungs. Lucky me, right?

Well, that question is actually the main point for this post. While I was in the week long stay in the hospital for the initial diagnosis, there was a chaplain on staff for the hospital that came to visit and talk with me every day. An extremely kindhearted, wise Christian man who showed great worry and great promise for my health and stability. He was truly a man of the Word, and I greatly appreciate his companionship. Throughout the week and our encounters he had one question he always asked every day, "how is your spirit today?"

With the multitude of the medical things that were happening to me at the time, I honestly did not dive deep into the question, at the time. Along with that question he would ask if I ever wondered "why me" or "why would You do this?" I would always respond with "nope, I do not wonder the why, I just know this is happening, and I have to and will get through it to the end. I know my savior will help me through it." I honestly do not wonder why this is all happening to me. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Every test and every joy we experience is meant for out lives; it is our plan that is already laid out for us.

At the end of my stay, when I was sitting in a wheelchair waiting for my mom to pick me up to take me to my home, that same chaplain was hurrying by, made eye contact with me and yelled out "ah, I caught you before you left!" So he came by, pulled up a nearby chair and we had our last talk before he walked out and helped me into my mother's car. One of his last remarks to me was "I have never met a person with a stronger spirit than you. Thank you so much for letting me spend time with you and getting to know you. I will continue to pray for your recovery." Right there at that moment, I was pretty much speechless. All I could say was "You are truly a gift, thank you. Thank you."

Never met a stronger spirit? No one has ever said anything like that to me; it still resonates within me. I honestly do not know how to "digest" that compliment. There were a couple of times where I was close to passing on to the next world during my week stay in the hospital. Even now, if I do not follow my recovery plan, the virus could damage my heart so badly that I could die in a moment's notice. Yet, it still does not deter my spirit. I know I have gone through some terrible things in my short life already. I have been broken down in absolute shambles, having no idea if I will have a life's breath within the hour. I have learned that even in my darkest times I have never been forsaken, beaten to the point where I can no longer stand. I have always had my God, my Holy Spirit there to help bring me back up. It took a lot of stubbornness and mistakes to learn that, but I know that I am never truly broken down to the point I cannot get back up. I might be given something that can knock me down, but it is never something that inhibits me from getting right back up and fighting once more.

I will probably never understand the purpose for this illness. People have said "oh, it is just God's way of saying 'slow down'." That might be true since I practically live on the edge of my seat and I am always stressed over something. I am always busy and I rarely get to enjoy down time. So those people might be right, but I do not quite see it that way. Talking with that gentleman for the week did open my eyes to a lot of matters in my own life. Things I know I will need to address; things I know that I cannot keep on the back burner for much longer. I do know that one of the main reasons for the strength of spirit is the love and support that I received from family and friends that week. A had a lot of visitors come in even though I was in respiratory isolation, and an overwhelming amount of messages from people that could not visit. I thank those people for building and reinforcing my spirit. It does not waiver because of their love.

I am on the mend, and I have a few more weeks before I will be close to my old self again. I am still not finished with this spirit matter. I feel I might blog on this again soon. Until then, stay healthy my friends. Staying bed all day is not as fun as it sounds!

Fight for a better tomorrow

A Week of Near Death

This past week is been one for the record books...honestly. I can safely say that I was having a few dates with the grim reaper this past week. Today I was just released from the hospital after a week's stay in the Cardiac ICU and Cardiac Intermediate Care wing. I am here to tell the story of everything (well maybe not everything) that happened this past week:

Saturday night/Sunday morning around 1:00am I had returned home from a very long work day with an extreme headache and nausea. I was just flat out sore and tired, and I attributed the feelings of dismay to my recent Post Concussion Syndrome diagnosis from right before Thanksgiving. I readily and willingly climbed into bed in hopes to rest off the bad feelings. As the night and hours staggered on, my headache and an approaching fever were now getting the best of me. Tossing and turning, not able to sleep, I finally got out of bed around 4:00am to find some Tylenol and hopefully some cold/flu medicine so I could just whack this in the butt and be healthy by morning. Well as soon as I started to move around, I immediately felt worse. Dizzy, extremely nauseous, pounding headache, and facing the rim of a volcano in terms of my body heat, I had no medicine so I made the choice to go to the local Walmart. Right before I left, I took my temperature...a nice fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, it is high, but still not the end of the world right? Well not really...I run a usual body temp of slightly above 95 degrees. Weird I know, but I have always been that way. Trying to get a temperature in middle school was never fun. No one ever believed I was sick and practically dying with a 99.1 temperature.

Anyways, with a crazy high fever, and only a few degrees away from my brain melting, I called my mother so she could stay on the line while I drove to Walmart to get meds, just in case I passed out from the exertion and high fever. I did make it back home...barely. I immediately took some Tylenol and Nyquil and laid down to sleep. I had woken up around 8:30am on that same Sunday morning, with extreme chest pains. I was rolling around back and forth, in serious pain. I had figured maybe I took too much of the medicine. So I got up and started to walk around to see if the pain would subside. Five minutes later the pain got worse; much, much worse, and to top it all off I was starting to get short of breath. Fearing some serious complications I finally got myself in the car at 8:40am and drove myself to the nearest Urgent Care Center, where they know me pretty well. I walked into the Urgent Care with my hand on my chest. The receptionist nurse recognized me and immediately saw I was not well. I was literally as white as paper, hand clutching my chest, sweating and crying. The only thing I could choke out to say through the pain and tears was "I need help." I was taken back immediately and my hospitalized journey began.

The Urgent Care center called an ambulance to take me to the hospital because every sign pointed to me having a heart attack. The urgent care, EMTs, and the ER staff, that I was taken to, all concurred with the blood work and EKGs, and diagnosed me with a massive heart attack. Troponin, one of the key enzymes of heart muscle function had climbed to a ridiculous high of 28ug. A normal measure of Troponin is around 0.05ug. A usual heart attack is measured at a start of 2ug. Mine went up to 28ug. Not even people with congestive heart failure reach numbers that high on a regular basis. At a healthy status of 25 years old, you can safely say everyone was worried. Worried that I was soon to die. I was immediately taken into the heart catheter lab to open up any blockages my heart was bound to have. As soon as they got inside, they saw that my heart was open and clear. So, why would my heart show numbers well beyond a routine massive heart attack but have no blockages? The doctors were actually stumped. I was facing the pain from a heart attack but not receiving the damage from it.

To make this story end quickly, the doctors diagnosed me with Viral Myocarditis, a virus that causes extreme inflammation of the heart muscle. A condition that is mainly seen in elderly people, not young adults. They are unsure about the exact virus that invaded, but they believe it to be the Influenza Virus. Even though every flu test came back negative, they were certain it was the flu. I spent a week going through several tests, several medications, and a roller coaster ride of fevers. I was there for a week in isolation because they did not know what I was infected with. I had a total of four episodes of the "heart attack-like" pain. One is extremely painful and most do not come back from it. I had four, I am the lucky one.

I will blog more about the antics of the heavy narcotics and delirious fevers resulting in calling one of my doctors Gonzo (the muppet), blaming the nursing staff of stealing my shoes, and several days of show tune singing. They are some seriously funny and embarrassing stories. I have already said too much here, so I will save the rest for later. I will also blog on the whole spirit of the matter. I was visited by a chaplain every day because of what I was facing.

Folks, I almost died a few times, it truly is scary. Never take this life for granted.

I will return shortly...

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Milestones

Still in this "thought driven rut," I came across this certain little detail that seems to drive my life forward. Even when I do not want to go forward or not, these milestones keep barreling through time with no end to them at all...

Just to jump right into it, my life has clearly been made up of certain and distinct milestones that I have both feared and revered. I am sure many people could relate to this because I feel that we all have certain goals that we have set through our lives. Yet for me, I can clearly remember a lot of the details of these milestones.

In kindergarten I remember not wanting to go up to 1st grade because I would miss nap time too much. I so looked forward to the day that I went up to 5th grade from 4th. I thought those kids were so old and so cool (man I was naive). Going up to the middle school, thinking I will finally become someone older and more respected (man I was still dumb). Then moving on up to the high school were the glory days would begin. Fighting to get my license, fighting to get out of the house, fighting to get a job. Moving away to college and really trying to make a name for myself at that point. Now trying to gain respect through my big boy job.

Each time there is a certain hump that I always to have to face, good and evil. No longer can I let my imagination run wild and kapwinngg away in my fantasy. I no longer will have my scheduled nap times and play time on the swings. I need to progress forward to my next hump in the travels of life.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Brains

My brain:

Severely complex, non-stop, overly critical, friend and enemy. 

There are certain things in my life that really bring me to convene inside of myself. One certain thing happened tonight. I will not go into detail on exactly it is, because I do not want to give out the pathetic sob story it ultimately is. But no matter what, I am in constant war with my own self. 

More and more, I am noticing nervous habits that seem to get worse as time passes by. I catch my body trying to fight its way through the gunk of thoughts my brain is trying to process. I catch myself literally talking and arguing with myself to sort for an answer. I honestly wish I could let my brain run free so that I would not have to be tortured by this continuous thought. 

Am I insane? Indubitably. Well I would honestly believe so. I would like to think that I am a very smart person, but there are times that I honestly wish I was not so enlightened, if you will. For in ignorance there surely is bliss. I honestly believe in this statement. It is an "out of sight, out of mind" principle for me. If I ultimately do not know about something, my brain is free from trying to analyze it. 

I am a very detailed person. I have been told I am an "observer." I sit back and try to figure out each detail to life, and how those details interact and how they affect one another. I systematically break everything down and find each detail. It is tedious and plaguing. 

I am ready to be out of my own mind for awhile. I hate what all this thought does to me. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

New Things

I know....

I do not want to say it has been awhile since I last blogged, by hey, just did it, so oh well (dang that is a lot of commas). But anyways, it has been nearly six months since I have last put down my thoughts.

When I last left off, I was fighting to survive in Tennessee. With the exception of a handful of people, I found myself severely "disjunct" from many social aspects. I went to work at a less than stellar job then went home, immediately went into my room where I spent the rest of the evening, then repeated that same process the next day. It was quite sad. Just about on the verge of depression. There were a few people in my life that kept me from going into that downward spiral and I cannot thank them enough for their unknowing assistance. It seemed my life had stopped; nothing was progressing forward.

Well since from that point I have moved down to Charleston. I literally packed up all of my belongings, and stuffed a 16 foot moving truck, to the brim mind you, all in one night. Seriously, all in one night. Some coworkers took me out for a few last rounds of festivities, I went home at 3:00am, started packing then left Knoxville at noon that same day. Even though I had been planning this move for a few months, the actually packing and moving process was basically instantaneous.

Anyways, I moved to Charleston in July and I can safely say it has been the best decision of my life. Even though I spent about six weeks being homeless and living out of my car or someone's couch, I immediately knew this city was great. I do have a condo here that is about 10 minutes from downtown, just in case you are wondering. Here in this city I get to follow my extreme passion of music and teaching. Every day of my life is filled with music and I am honestly, purely happy. I have positions that range from Orchestra Director, Visual instructor, Conducting Instructor, private lessons teacher, studio musician, and professional orchestral player. In this short time I have been able to make a name for myself here and become a respected individual in the musical field. I thank God all of the time for these fantastic opportunities. I understand that he had to break me down to the absolute basic foundation so that he could build me back up.

All in all, I am shocked at the great things in my life. I no longer have to worry about finances. I make just enough money to live comfortably, not extravagant, but just enough that I do not have to worry anymore. I have made some great friends and connections here, and I love all of the musicians I get to be in contact with. I just love my life, and nothing can bring me down.

But I can say that I really miss all of my friends that I made in Knoxville. I miss all of the Carter people the most. I miss my best friend and I hope I get to see him soon. I hope I never have to let those friendships go again...never again.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Lex Parsimoniae

I have done a post about the theme of "simplicity" before, thanks to the extremely wise Taylor Franklin. Even though still in college, he has been a beacon of knowledge and wisdom for a lot of people, including myself. Anyways, today's post is along the same realm of the aforementioned blog.

The latin phrase Lex Parsimoniae loosely translates to "the simplest answer is always the better than the more complex." This theory is also commonly known as Occam's Razor. As a firm believer of the benefit of the simple things in life I am gathering huge support for falling back onto the simple answers in life.

As my life right is becoming filled with more and more complexities of life, I am trying to coerce myself into choosing the simplest answers to direct myself. Sometimes the simplest decision is never the easiest or the most desirable but I am finding it is usually the best. Right now I fight to keep relationships, work my butt off to pay debts, bills, and loans, struggle with my self-image, and constantly doubt my inner psyche. I am one big pile of self-doubting, always emotional, OCD type of person. It is absolutely nerve racking. 

So as I try to fight for answers and direction, I will be leaning towards those simple answers. I need to stop breaking everything down into the those little details. I need to stop trying to piece back together the complex situation into the most desirable outcome. I need to let life happen, in its own way.

It is time to truly let my mind and body live simply...but with complex tastes of course.

Fight for a better tomorrow

That Weird Clarifying Moment

You know that point in time where you just have a huge clarifying moment? When everything just seems to be answered or revealed for you? Well I sit here now completely clarified, so to speak.

I feel like there are a lot of details that should not be put on here (kind of defeats the purpose of a blog) but I will try to inform you as much as you can. When I feel that I need a refresher in the "faith" department I always turn to the concert of my freshman year in the A Cappella Choir at Carson-Newman College. Such a memorable concert for me because it was the concert where I knew I was accepted by the singers around me. We were family; it was absolutely sublime.

Well last night I sent out a plea while I listened to the closing number to that concert. It being my all time favorite choir anthem I had easily become pretty emotional. And just a few moments ago the plea that I cried out was answered.

I asked for strength and the direction that I needed to be headed in...I know that I must continue to progress forward. I cannot have anything hold me back here. I have been too focused on trying to please others. It is time to please myself (try not to take that in a vulgar direction).

Fight for a better tomorrow

Lost but Found

It is a strange thing to be seriously trapped in one's thoughts. Well not necessarily strange but definitely not comforting. For the very few that know how I operate, I break things down to the very last possible detail and then come up with a solution or scenario that best fits each detail. It can actually become a very maddening experience for me.

I try to play out each scenario in my head and figure out which is the best course of action to take. I literally will try to analyze every action that everyone around me takes and try to figure out the best way to respond. My brain definitely gets tired after awhile. But lately there has been one subject matter that I have been focusing a lot of lately: Friendship...

With every action that leads up to me moving away from Tennessee this coming summer (yes, it is true, that is for another blog), I keep on facing situations that really show who are true friends. I engaged in a conversation with a best friend about how some things always seem to be at face value. How I sit back, in a situation, and say to myself "I do not want to deal with this situation right now." And that situation being caught up with people that really do not know me.

I do not know whether it is my fault for not taking initiative or whether it is their fault because they are not taking initiative, but I find that when I look and analyze, nothing goes deeper than the surface. Almost every conversation seems at the "acquaintance" level. I would love to have something deeper, something more profound. Right now, I have that with one person. And ultimately that might just be enough, but for one person to have that responsibility to handle that much profoundness can really take a toll on someone's psyche. 

Either way, the main point is that I really want to make those deep connections but something always gets in the way. I thank the person that I can share my thoughts with. Just being about to talk with that person gives me a great solace from day to day. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Driving Force of Hope

There are several different forces in our world that seem to keep us moving. Whether it be the thought of dying or a goal that has been set, we all seem to have at least a few factors factors in our life that keep us pushing forward (well, I hope we all do anyways). I can safely say that there have been several things I have used in my own life to better myself, or things I have used as motivation to just roll out of bed in the morning. Yet, there is one thing that always returns to my life, and that is hope.

I know this "hope" business seems very cliche and mushy but as of late, it is the force behind all of my thoughts and prayers. I keep on finding myself saying things that start out with "I hope." Things like "I hope they can realize their importance", "I hope they are happy," or the most frequent "I hope you have an incredible day" (as a server at Olive Garden I make it a point to say it every one of my tables). 

One of the statements that I tell myself and others the most is: never lose hope. Hope brought me back my best friend. Hope gave me job opportunities. Hope gave me a reason to live. I can recall so many times in my life where I have said "I hope that...," and at some point down the road that hope was always fulfilled. And I am not trying to relate hope with wishful thinking. I believe hope is so much more than that. It is a lot more tangible than a wish. In my mind, a wish is a fleeting almost unattainable desire. Like saying "I wish I could own a Bugatti sometime in my life." Could it happen? Of course, but is it ultimately realistic? More than likely not. 

Hope is something that gives me a reason to work and drive harder in my life. When I say "I hope," it gives me something to really look forward to. I would actually like to hear from all of you that keep up with this blog. What is your driving force that keeps your life going?

So I finish with this last prayer, I really hope that I get to see you soon. 

Fight for a better tomorrow

Motivational Factors and My Thoughts

Once again, I had to take another break from putting down my thoughts into the "interweb." Things have been ridiculous for me. Even though I rarely show my emotions or inner struggles to the people around me, it is like a war-zone on the inside. But hey, someone needs to seem strong in these troubled times right? So basically I want to share some of the good and bad of my life as of now, just so that I can hopefully get it out of the forefront of my mind and begin to worry about a few other things.

Good thing #1: Just returned from a trip from Charleston. Love the place, love the people. Got to work with the South Carolina Youth Wind Symphony, and let me just say, I am so freaking excited to be living there this coming fall. Having the opportunity to create music with such talented kids and performers is really blowing my mind.

Bad thing #1: I need a new motor and motor mounts in my car. My poor baby is not doing so well right now and the thought of having to put a new motor/get a new car really scares me. Just for the fact that I am moving in July, and I have no idea if my car can hold out that long. If I have to save up for the move and buy a new car, I'm practically screwed financially.

Good thing #2 (and the best one): Remember that person that I lost that I wrote about in a blog past? They are back! I honestly could not be any happier!!

Bad thing #2: I am in constant battle with my own psyche. People see this calm and collected person who does not seem to get phased by anything, but lately I am finding myself doubting every decision that I make; and I am not specifically referring to decisions that ultimately lead to mistakes. I find myself wondering between "either/or" "what-if" type of situations. I doubt, then fight with myself saying that I should never doubt, then I doubt even more, then I struggle with myself even more. It is a maddening paradox for myself! I can only hope that one decision I make goes so right that all of this self-doubt just melts away.

Anyways, I will say one last good thing for myself that coincides with good thing number two. I took a thirty minute shower today, and before you get your mind in the gutter I am just going stop you (trying to make a joke)! In that thirty minutes I let the running water symbolically wash away my troubles as of late and spent the time conversing with my Higher Power. As an honest testimonial, I can safely say that someone was definitely listening. Everything I asked for was answered and I have not had a bigger smile on my face in such a long time. Seeing those texts from the people I care about most tonight really put me on cloud nine.

And lastly, I need to give a shout-out to a new but amazing friend. Check out his upcoming blogging adventures!! The Lowery Chronicles

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Killing Effect/Affect of Silence

Been quite some time again...I know, I seem to do this a lot. For this past reason, I HAD to take a break. For reasons that shall be left out of here, I just needed to keep my thoughts to myself.

But this is the reason why I come back again to put my thoughts onto the world wide web. The silence that I continue to endure are having a profound on my psyche. I decided to title this post with the "Effect/Affect" because this murder seems to be taking two routes. Whether I want to go into extreme detail on both of those routes, I have not quite decided yet.

No matter what I continue to beat myself down for all of my mistakes. I am truly mentally breaking myself down to a lesser man because I am secluded to my thoughts on a daily basis. I work then come back home to my room and think. I think WAY too much. I wonder and dream WAY too much. For some odd reason, I continue to live in the past. I always tell people that everything is fated, and to never live in the past; to look forward to the future, and make the best of it. Why the hell can I not take my own freaking advice?

Being alone and lonely (they actually are too different aspects) are truly destructive. One of my life's mantras is to risk it all for the sake of others. I have truly risked it all, but I cannot pull myself out. I continue to be standoffish to certain things. I continue to doubt my decisions. I continue to live in my head, instead of living out in the world.

But no matter I have been fighting for that better tomorrow. I wish and pray every day for my own protection and happiness and their protection and happiness. I go through every day hoping one day we all do not have any worries.


Anyways, here is a little head scratcher for you: We, as humans, think every single day. We can hear ourselves in our heads and often talk with those voices in our heads (some people have more than others). But the brain itself has no physical capacity to make or hear sounds. So what exactly are we hearing when we think? Where are those "clearly audible" thoughts that we "hear" in our head coming from?

Just a little food for thought (oh dang...there is another conundrum)


Fight for a better tomorrow

A Look at "Time"

I had to take a little break from blogging. I will just say that I had to go back and look at myself again. I had to reevaluate some moments and try to repair them. We all make mistakes right? No matter what, those mistakes ring harder and louder than those moments that made a positive impact. It coincides with that notion that people will remember bad experiences more than good experiences. This notion itself is a whole blog post by itself, but that is for later...

But for "time", why is it so important?

Time is very limited. We never seem to have enough of it. There are moments in time that we, especially myself, wish would just stand still so we could relish in it forever. But I even believe that forever is also limited. There is never a true meaning of "forever." Everything is always changing, We constantly seek out those forever-moments in time with no success. 

No matter what time is a fleeting dream. It is here one minute and gone the next (sorry for the horrible pun). There will still be moments in my passage of time that will continually resonate within me. They are memories that I am unable and unwilling to give up. I still wish I could return to those moments where everything seemed right, but I know it will never be like that again. Whether it will be better or worse down the road, only time will tell. 

All I can do is just Fight for a better tomorrow...

What it Means to Me

I kind of hinted in my last post on what music truly means to me. Well this entire day (actually everyday if I am honest with myself) I have been flooded with memories of the past. I know that we should not dwell too much in the past and push ourselves to live in the future, but there are moments that I can and will never forget.

Sharing the joy of music is one of my life's goals. Being able to portray what I am feeling to everyone around me is a never ending quest for me. It is my emotions, my memories, my past that fuels the connection I have with music. It is what makes music special to me. It gives me passion and strength to look beyond the notes on the page and make it an act that lets people relate to what I am feeling or have felt. It gives an open door to my soul. It lets me speak in ways that ordinary words cannot. 

I once told a very dear friend to pick a strong, powerful, and meaningful moment in their life, and let that be the guide to release the emotion in the music. They sat and thought for a second, prepared themselves and performed like I have never seen someone perform. At the end, both teary eyed, I knew they understood what it meant to put your feelings into the music. I felt their joy, their past, their memory. I will honestly never forget that moment. Being able to see that strength and passion in just a 3 minute span really left a mark in my soul. 

Music is my language. I can never give it up. It is something that I always can turn to when I have no other way to express myself. These moments this past year have given me drive to never lose hope. My music can never lose hope. I sit here with pith and vigor in my heart to once again show you all the greatness you did for me.

I have so much more to say, but I honestly cannot put it into words rights now...

Fight for a better tomorrow

The Audacity

As you may know already, I have a new job. I no longer work at one of the hospitals in Knoxville, I actually work at The Olive Garden. Right now I am a host, but I will soon be training for bartending/serving. Since I have had no restaurant experience in my life, they thought I would be best transitioned into the restaurant field through hosting. I did not complain because I needed a job. My interviews went really well and the management REALLY liked me. I have a way with words and charm...I always do well in interviews haha. Anyways today at work was a little different. Here is a little  back story...

There was one other host that was hired at the same time I was. She was in the same orientation, we had the same training. She is younger than I am and is still in college. She only works weekends and maybe one or two nights a week. I work full time with maybe only one or two days off a week. We both have been working there for almost 4 weeks.


Well today the lunch crowd finally slowed down so there was nothing to do at the front of the house but to just talk and wait. This girl flat out asks me why I make a dollar more an hour than her (I already was aware that she knew of my higher wage because I caught her eyeing down my personnel file during orientation and she had  recently talked about it with another host). Well I told her it was probably because I actually have a degree and currently am working on a professional degree, and that I have had long lasting jobs in the past to boost my broad-spectrum experience. She did not take that as a legitimate answer...

What I wanted to say to her is that she is a moron who cannot do her job very well. There are four versions of hosts at Olive Garden and she can only do one version in an "okay" manner. She is very slow and never around to do her job when you need her the most. She is constantly texting even after being told by a manager that if they catch her again the phone will be in the toilet and she will be written up. She never remembers any of the vital details and still continues to asks repetitive questions on things she already learned.

It really made me mad because she does not value her job at all. I am extremely thankful for my job and I work hard to keep it. I strongly believe that your work ethic should relate to your pay (most often that does not happen, but it can). She had no right to complain about me making more money than her. I have more long lasting experience and I have a degree. She barely has any experience and is a sophomore in college. I had less than a week of training; she had two and a half weeks. I have received multiple compliments from the management and a few free meals for my hard work, she has received nothing. Yes, we were hired to do the same thing, but we are not on the same level. Thank you and have a good day. Quit your whining and learn how to be better at your job. Try to be thankful for once that you have something that most do not.

I know she will continue to think about, and the day might come where I will tell her what I actually think. I am known for making people cry, so what is just one more person? haha

Anyways, there is my rant and vent for the day.

Fight for a better tomorrow...

Needing that health motivation

I love to exercise. I hate to exercise alone. I do not know what it is. I cannot find the motivation to exercise alone. I am in serious need to have a workout partner.

Anyone want to face the workout program of INSANITY with me? I have done it before, I just need to do it again. I hate doing it by myself. It seems weird for me to suffer through it alone. Why not share the pain and misery? Or does anyone know any good tips to keeping the motivation to exercise on your own?

Fight for a better tomorrow...

Same ol', same ol'

I have been one to always try to find the fullest of each and every day. To try to live each day as happily and "life-driven" as possible. I am due for something crazy and out of the ordinary. I need something just flat out stupid and non-routine to do.

I have spent this past month and a half trying rebuild everything. I am sure that  my life is close to being whole again. Like I said a few posts ago, time is what I need to heal. But I think what will help me is just a "life affirming" act.

Its time for an extreme adrenaline rush. I have been thankful enough to see the support and love from the ones I care the most about. I could not have asked for more. Now I just need to go out and show that my life is back in order (mostly anyways). It might not actually ever the same, but I am needing to break this routine of reliving the past. I have to live for the future with every hope and drive. My routine will be new but similar in several aspects.

Who knows, I could just walk out the door with nothing on...but maybe in the spring, the weather is getting a little brisk.

Fight for a better tomorrow

Sacrifice

I had to take a few days to get my thoughts organized on this topic. It is a huge one for me and a huge one for all of mankind really. It covers so many facets of life, and not just on the religious level. No matter your type of personality or lifestyle, instances of sacrifices are bound to present before you. It can either be sacrificing your time to pick someone up, your sandwich to a homeless person, or your life to protect the ones around you. I'm basically saying that no matter what you will sacrifice something in your life. I believe it is the amount that you sacrifice and the goals that it meets that really define a man.

Whenever I start out new Drum Majors (marching band stuff) one of the first things I make sure they understand that in order for them to be successful is to be sacrificial. They must sacrifice their "everything" in order to help their band succeed. I firmly believe Drum Majors are always the first to arrive, and the last to leave. Even though you are technically the leader of the band, you do everything in your power to make sure no one falls. You follow them to support them, to carry them when they need it. You make sure you use every fiber of your being to make sure no one is left behind. You have to sacrifice yourself to make them reach their goals.

I used to be one of those types of people that only looked out for themselves. The type of life I lived, I guess I needed to be like that to protect myself until I could get out on my own. I am extremely grateful for all that I had in my young life, but there were events that just pushed me into a state of "every man for himself." I was popular, but a loner at the same time. I did not understand that I actually needed the help of others.

I have learned the past few years that it is no longer all about me. I have learned recently that it will never be all about me. It is about the people around me. I went through some really hard times, and will continue to go through hard times, but it cannot derail me from giving my entire being to help and protect the people around me.

I currently face hatred right now (as does everyone else, it is humanity). But even through that hatred I know that I have to be there to sacrifice if the moment warrants it. We have the opportunity to choose how we sacrifice, but I am slowly learning that I do not need to choose. I must sacrifice the same for the person that loves me the most and the person that hates me. It also applies to the person I love the most and the person that I hate the most.

I am working on myself to get to the point that no matter who it is, I will sacrifice. So you can hate me, not understand me, not know me, not be in my life, but I will still give up everything and anything I can to make sure you can actually live.

Nothing will change the person I want and need to be.